my little brother is turning into an adult!!!!

As a rule I try not to support healthy adult relationships, but for my brother (and a few select others) I can make an exception. So, I was more than happy to make the 24 hour one way trek from Hong Kong back to Missouri to not only attend but also wear a hot pink bridesmaid dress for him and my now, new sister-in-law Laura. This is my account of what happened during the 4 days I was home for the wedding that I journaled during my trip back to HK. It is long, but there are some funny bits. Enjoy!!

So, I flew home from HK and during my last stopover (in Dallas of all places. . .I really fucking hate Texas) I drank 3 beers in 45 minutes then made it to my gate just in time for final call. Of course, I ended up next to some chunk of a midwesterner who spilled over onto my seat and had to keep the middle armrest up to allow for said spillage, but I was smashed and talking nonstop so I wasn't that bothered. I basically told her my whole life story including the aussie I met last weekend and am now completely in love with. But this friendliness backfired when she decided to share her life story and started showing me pics of her three kids on her phone. Luckily the flight was only a little over an hour, so I was soon able to make my escape. My parents picked me up and I was still smashed, naturally, our first stop was at a brewery to meet some of my university friends for lunch. . .and three more beers. I talked a lot, but I don't really know what I said, and they probably don't either. After lunch we had to go so I could try on my bridesmaid dress and WHAT UP!!! IT FIT!!! Thank goodness because I had ordered a size smaller as an incentive to be fit. Next, we drove the 2 hours home, but not really home because we stopped at the church to see Laura and then we had just enough time to go home so I could shower off my 24 hours of travel and head back to Sedalia to meet the girl half of the wedding party to get our nails done, this took 3 hours. The guy who did mine was the owner of the salon and was half Chinese and half Vietnamese. I impressed him with the 2 Chinese words I know and he told me I needed to go back to HK and study so the next time I'm home I can come see him and we can have a sneaky conversation. After nails we all stopped by to look at the reception place, which was at a building called The Pork Place on the Missouri state fairgrounds. Just like Cinderella I was in bed by midnight.

Friday I was up by 8am and managed to fit in a quick run before my mom delegated me the task of tying bows on thank you favors for the guests at the rehearsal dinner. I had been tying bows for an hour and a half and then looked down and became aware of my hot pink nail polish and had a mini identity crisis, but I powered through and finished the thank yous like a champ. By this time we we had to get over to the Emma Country Club to set up tables for the rehearsal dinner. We finished just in time to get over to the church for the actual rehearsal. I wore white and so did the bride, so I felt a little bit like a jerk, but I apologized and she was cool about it, so crisis averted. As it turns out, small town country clubs are a cheap place to drink, so I had countless glasses of wine, which the bartender noticed and began to comment on, but I like to think in a jokey way not a judgey way. Luckily, I was sitting at a table with some pretty funny people. One guy who just graduated from law school, Antoine. We decided his shtick to get clients would be that he is a dancing lawyer, funnier to see in action than to write about. . the other groomsman was the guy I walked with, Scott, and he just couldn't stop sweating and had to use all these tissues to keep blotting his forehead. Also, the guys had spent the day golfing and drinking in the sun and were all pretty smashed so Scott was having a pretty hard time stringing together anything that resembled a sentence. The last time I hung out with Scott we were doing the stank leg on the dance floor of a bar called Dukes 'n Boots where instead of tables they have wooden barrels to set your drinks on and I ended up spitting a drink in his face, for no actual reason. But we were all in top form this night. So the plan was for the girls to go back to Brad's and Laura's place and the boys were going to stay at the best man's (Kyle's) place, but then one of the groomsmen invited me to go with the guys so of course I jumped at the chance. We all piled into this big SUV and were just waiting on Brad when Antione threw a golf club out of the window and it flew past Taylor's girlfriend, she got pissed and flipped out and wouldn't get in the car and made Taylor get out too. I missed all this because Scott and I were in the backseat using a beer helmet straw to take shots of vodka straight out of the bottle. . .classy. Finally, we got on the road and got to Kyle's place. We stayed for a few but Brad was trashed and then there were a couple girlfriends (not in the wedding party) so Brad said the girls had to go and I invited them back with the other bridesmaids, but they did not seem impressed and so their boyfriends said if the girls had to leave then they were leaving too, super lame!!! Those two couples ended up going to a bar and JR saw a guy who had shoplifted from the Buckle when he worked there and confronted him and at some point during this argument his wife got pissed and left him in the bar and drove all the way back to KC that night. From what I've eavesdropped its not the stablest of marriages. Meanwhile, I was back with the bridesmaids, being the drunkest one, and talking nonstop shit for like 45 minutes. I told them all about the Aussie and how I went home with him the first night I met him and that I'm not really a slut I'm just going through a phase and that we showered together and then I just started questioning him about ultra marathons (he had just run one) and how I thought people just aren't meant to run that far. As if all that weren't enough, I also launched into a narrative of my family and ended up saying, “No, you know what, I don't even like her” about my sister Jami. . .yikes!! Then I realized I was the only one talking and decided to call it a night. But the next morning everyone told me I was hilarious, so no worries :)

So, I slept over at Brad's and Laura's but was not at all prepared for that and had no clothes or toothbrush or anything for the wedding day. Laura gave me some clothes to sleep in and I just used a toothbrush that was in the spare bathroom that probably belonged to one of the other bridesmaids. We kicked off the morning with pancakes and mimosas and were at the hairdressers by 8am (mind you, the wedding didn't start until 4). Hair was all finished by 10:30 and then it was picture-palooza. We met back up with the boys and most of the wedding party started drinking heavily. All these pics could have been pretty painful given the beating sun, the bickering husband and wife photog team (named Marliss and Forrest no less), and just the sheer amount of time spent on pictures, but because it was a pretty fun crew and the booze was flowing, it wasn't a half bad way to spend 4 hours. We even did some jumping shots.

Andy, one of my friends I met in Korea, drove down to come to the wedding and was waiting at the church in his car when we arrived in the party bus. I ran out to meet him and invited him to the party bus for a drink, always so focused on being a good hostess! Then, of course, we had to take more pics in the church and peeps were pretty much over them at this point. I managed to sneak out to the party bus with some of the groomsmen to drink more, but only had enough time to slam a beer and rip off my bra, which was getting so painful, before I got called back in for more pics. As soon as I left, Scott wore my bra on his head; you just can't trust anyone.

So pics were finally over and then I had time to chat with Andy before the ceremony so I asked him if he had spotted any hotties and the one he had picked out was Laura's mom, hahahah!!!

There were six couples in the wedding party and Scott and I were the second ones in. I was really feeling he booze by now and as we started walking down the isle I whispered (or rather thought I was whispering) to Scott, “I'm the drunkest one here and everyone can tell,” then Taylor's girlfriend, Jen, who was sitting towards the back of the church gave me a stern look and an assertive “shhh,” Usually I hate this, but in this scenario I'm glad she did it, and it was definitely warranted. Everything during the ceremony went smoothly aside from a little trip and cursing slip from Laura on her way up to the front of the church, but the pastor didn't seem to mind, so no worries. I rolled my eyes at some of the more conservatively sexist remarks to some of the groomsmen, but I'm pretty sure that went unnoticed.

Zing, boom, Brad's and Laura's love was made official and it was time for the reception. We had to make a stop for more beer between the church and The Pork Place and that sealed my decision that I was part of the best wedding party ever! While we were stopped Antione went inside to go to the bathroom and no one realized he wasn't back when we pulled out and drove out of the gas station. Right before we turned onto the main road, someone did a headcount and caught the mistake, so we didn't totally leave him.

At the reception we had to go in in our walking order and Brad and Laura wanted us to all go in in a cool funny way, Scott went in and then I ran in and barrel rolled over his back, all while he was still holding his beer. Some people did the stanky leg, the bernie and Taylor and his bridesmaid limped in because after the ceremony when we were still at the church Antione jumped on his back and hurt his knee.

While I was waiting in line for food I found myself next to Laura's mom and naturally I told her what Andy said earlier and then told her, “Congratulations on your face.” After eating and the first dance the wedding party was all supposed to do this dance called the wobble, Taylor walked out on the dance floor and just toppled over because of his earlier injury. Turns out his knee was dislocated. Weddings are dangerous!

I was on my way to the bar when the ushers (mostly made up of Laura's cousins ranging in age from 12-16) stopped me and asked if I would judge their dance off, boy would I!!!! They chose the right bridesmaid.

I still made my way to the bar, mind you. There was this guy there who recommended a drink for me called the kinky, which I was all too happy to order. I asked his name and it was Chris Spencer, the guy I had heard the other bridesmaids refer to as “the eye candy.” Game on :) So I told him we should take the drink together, and we went to find 2 straws. After downing our drink I told him the other bridesmaid's nickname for him and that I thought he was just ok looking. He was a good sport about my bitchiness, probably because he really is hot and isn't used to a challenge. We ended up making out by the bar and my dad and Jami and Sam saw. They were not impressed. Jami and Sam got me alone and gave me the protective older sibling speech, which was sweet, but not necessary. I mean, I just made out with the guy, I'm not trying to date him. Then, they pulled me to the side of the dance floor to show me he was dancing with another bridesmaid, but really, I wasn't concerned. They just don't get me.

Meanwhile, Chris asked Antione (the drunkest of all the groomsmen) if he should go get a tattoo on his chest, and of course Antione said that was a great idea. So what does he get tattooed on his chest? “Hakuna Matata” HAHAHAHAHA, too funny!! While he is gone getting his ink, I judge the dance off, and let me tell you, these cousins are GOOD! Mark wins and quickly becomes my fave! I tell him and the rest of the cousins to add me on facebook, but Mark, the youngest at 12 years old does not have facebook to which I respond, “WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK??!!” The cousins all start quizzing me on their names because I just have such a goldfish memory. I really only remember Mark's name.

By this time Chris makes his way back with his fresh tattoo, he shows it to me and I'm pretty sure I laugh in his face. He asks if I want to get some air and I say yes. We go out to the patio and my dad is there so we back ourselves inside and decide to escape through the front door and head to the bandstand (like I said, we are on the fairgrounds). I have to pee and so does he so we have a race, I win, I'm so competitive. Then we just hang out and talk for a while. I'm smashed at this point, so I'm not really sure what was said, but I know I talked about Childish Gambino, I'm so fucking weird. We headed back and made out against a car, he invited me back to his place, but there was still dancing to be done, so I declined.

When the night was finally over I left with Andy and Antione ended up coming with us. We got to the hotel and after checking in we had the front desk lady call three pizza places, none of them answered, so after a discussion we decided to hit up McDonald's and Taco Bell's drive-thrus. Andy and I got burgers, and although Antoine said he didn't want one, I repeatedly shoved my burger into his face. While in drive-thru number two, waiting for our Taco Bell, Andy opened his door and threw up his burger.

When we got back to the hotel I realized once again I had nothing to sleep in and my bra was still on the party bus. I pulled a blanket over me and shimmied out of my dress. Andy was in a bed by himself and I was with Antione, we ended up making out, duh! It was very drunkenly, so I'm not sure who initiated. All in all maybe my best trip home ever!!