Silver Linings

You would think peeing my pants would be the most embarrassing thing that could happen to me within a weeks time.  Well, if you did think that, you forgot about how stupid crazy I get on Tuesday nights.

I went to open mic at a local bar with some friends, we go there most weeks.  The last thing I remember is being behind the bar at the end of the night when the staff lets me be the special guest bartender and mix up my shitty ideas of shots.  I put soda water in the shaker and then had it on upside down or something and, then I got put back on the other side of the bar.

I was out until somewhere between three and five am.  I woke up late for work, and looked like a hungover mess when I got there.  I chatted with my friends at lunch and asked if i left when they did, and they laughed and said no.  HUH...who am I hanging out with and where am I going??  Apparently, we all left around the same time to go get taxis, and then when we got to the cue, they turned around and I was gone.

I suffered through the rest of the day at work and when I got back home what did I find?  Some cigarette ash in my bathroom and a used condom on the floor by my trashcan.  I have zero memory of bringing anyone home with me.  Upon further inspection of said condom...because how else am I going to find out what I did last night, I saw that there was no cum in it, so I'm going to assume I brought someone back with me...presumably a smoker, and while he was having a smoke in the bathroom and putting on the condom I passed out.  That's the only reasonable explanation, right, and I'm nothing if not reasonable.  Every used condom has a silver lining!

Good News, Bad News

Good News...I woke up pretty early

Bad News...I don't remember getting home

Good News...I didn't drunk eat a whole pizza or anything

Bad News...I peed my pants, I don't know how or why, I just know it happened

Good News...I made it out for my run

Bad News...I got caught in torrential downpour for the last 20 minutes of it (see picture)

Good News...Now I have legitimate wet clothes to put in my laundry so the laundromat lady hopefully won't realize there is pee on my jeans

Spanked

I woke up in a room I didn't know, alone and naked, but covered with a nice duvet.  I've been told by my friends that this is scary, it seemed like a nice enough space so I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I woke up a second time to a knock on the door.  And a guy who I vaguely remember from the night before is there and asks why I'm in there.  "I don't know." -me "Well, I'm going back to bed, you can join me if you want," -him

Shit, I've somehow drunkenly gone home with a guy, slept with him, and then at some point wandered away and went to sleep in his spare bedroom.  First of all, well done Kelly for going home with a guy who even has a spare bedroom.  Second of all, what the fuck Kelly, why are you wandering around and sleeping allover strangers apartments.

None of my clothes are in this room, which is part of the reason I decided to roll over and go back to sleep when I first woke up.  I'm cool with waking up naked and alone, but I don't want to go wandering around in an unknown place naked and alone.  I find a t-shirt and put that on and then go into the guy's bedroom (*I would share his name, but I never seem to bother with details like that).

We fool around and chat.  And then he asks, "How's your ass?" I say, "Fine," but i'm thinking "What the fuck, did I have anal sex on a one night stand, what the hell is wrong with me?!?" I decide the best thing to do is just pretend like this is normal and move on to other conversation.

A little while later, I'm laying on my stomach and he sees my bum and says, "Oh man, your ass is really bruised!" I look at it, "Jesus Christ, did I fall down last night." "No, Its from me smacking your ass."

Ah, the sweet relief of knowing you didn't have anal sex with a stranger and instead just got spanked so hard and repeatedly that your entire ass was bruised for a week.

Still the (Gross) One

Skyping with Caitlin on a cold Hong Kong Sunday

The blanket still hasn't been washed...its almost summer now, so what's the point.

The Longest Hug

I have a guy friend here who I refer to as my Hong Kong big brother.  One day last week I was going to an open mic night with him and his wife and on the way there we ran into some guy he knew and the guy mistook me for Jacob's sister.  I'm such a weirdo, I was on some sort of weird sibling love cloud for the rest of the night.  

Last weekend, a friend and I went on a hike on Lantau and the ending point was near the beach he lives on, so we stopped by and hung out for a bit, played beach games and went and had dinner.  People who know Jacob, know when he is drunk he always wants to hug goodbye, its kind of a running joke between me and Caitlin after nights out as to how weird the Jacob hug at the end of the night is.  Well, after this goodbye hug, I'm definitely winning.

Then, in typical big brother fashion, he body-slammed me on the beach, thanks bro.

The Worst Way to Get a Free Bottle of Vodka

I remember going to the New Year's Eve party.  I remember getting my first three drinks.  I remember eating a mini burger...that's it.

The next memory I have is me in bed, naked, crying as a guy was leaving.  I remember him saying something like, "If you want to hang out and have a good time, fine.  But I'm not dealing with this shit." This is very paraphrased, because it's a hazy memory.

I must have gone back to sleep, after that.  I woke up around 9am, alone.  There was change scattered on the floor, a couple of unused still wrapped condoms.  Fuck.  I made two goals for NYE, they were to not blackout and to not sleep with anyone.  Fuck and Fuck.

I had a message from my friend that I'd gone out with to come to lunch with her, so I decided escaping was the best thing to do.  I went and met up with her and spent most of the day with her.  She couldn't help me with any memories though because apparently we had lost each other around 1am.  I know I was up and around until 4:30am because I wear a pedometer that tracks when I am active and I was up and moving until that time.

When I got home, I did a bit of detective work (and cleaning up).  I found a used condom in my rubbish bin, but there was no cum in it (yeah, i picked it up and looked at it, that's not even in the top 10 grossest things i've done, don't judge me).  So, I think that I brought this guy home, we probably started fooling around and then I freaked out because I specifically did not want to have sex that night and then he left, fair enough.  But good on me for throwing a tantrum when I realized I was doing something I didn't want to, and throwing it in such an extreme and off-putting way, that I ended up getting my way.

Later, as I was gathering up all this spare change on the floor, that the guy probably left in his rush to get the hell out of my place, I saw a bag from circle K.  Inside was a full and sealed bottle of Absolut.  And there, my friends, is the silver lining.  Not only did I keep half of my goals for the evening, but the universe rewarded me by bestowing upon me a bottle of booze, happy 2014!!

I would like to break this bottle out for a special occasion, but am not quite sure what even warrants a bottle of booze left behind by a failed one night stand...suggestions?

Dear Neighbor

On weeknights I'm usually not home until around 9pm because I do a lot of private tutoring and some work out classes.  This is why I don't mind living in a small box of an apartment.  This is also why I wake up early to work out in the mornings, by early I mean 5:45 or 6am.

Well, I got home one night a few weeks ago and found a letter under my door.  I will transcribe it for you.

          Dear Neighbor,

          I live in the apartment below yours.  I work in a restaurant that closes quite late every night, so my                 resting time is very limited.

          Two nights ago at, around 6 o'clock in the morning, some noise was coming from your apartment;                 something like somebody is jumping repeatedly, for almost an hour.  I don't know what it is and it is               not my intention to find out.

          I just want to kindly ask you to do it in a different time of the day, since I couldn't sleep anymore and I           only slept since three in the morning.  Also, it was not the first time.

         I would really appreciate it.

         Thank You Very Much.

         Best Regards,

         C.M, apartment 507

It sounds like i'm jumping around because I am jumping around, its called  high intensity interval training for a reason.  I don't know why he would imply that is some sort of weird sex thing i'm doing.  Like I set my alarm for 6 am, to have jump sex every morning...asshole.  I was going to buy him some cookies and some earplugs and go by his apartment to apologize...but, I let it go for too long, so instead I just bought a yoga mat and started working out in the evening and running (outside of my apartment) in the mornings.  I'm a little disappointed in myself for being so accommodating.