Complisult # 83

The workplace is way too casual when you can throw around words like whore and kegel is a nickname of another co-worker...just kidding, I think its all hilarious

Fuck Up

I got two speeding tickets in the month of January.  I won't get into the details, but the first one was well deserved, the second I think the officer would have had to had a series of intricate mirrors set up for his radar to have clocked me.  I looked up an old friend who is now an attorney and asked if he could help me out.  this is a reinterpretation of our exchange:

*the attorney is on the left, I'm on the right

Hi Friend!

I know I haven't seen or spoken to you in years, 

but I got this speeding ticket...

Do you think you could help me out?  

Also, I'm back in America now, 

so we should totally hang out!!

Hi Kelly!

Yes, I'm at a law firm here and 

I handle lots of speeding tickets. 

Send me the ticket, and I will see 

what I can do for you.

What a wonderful turn of events.

Let me know how much the charge is, 

we can meet for lunch for a cash hand-off.

  Can I please slide the money to you 

under the table?

Of course, but you must wrap it in a newspaper.

Perfect!  I'll get a trench-coat for the occasion!!

end scene

We met, and the hand-off happened, and it was glorious.  That was on Saturday.  The following day my dad mentions he has just paid off the car I've been using since I've been home.  Come Monday morning, I'm making my usual hour and a half commute, and about an hour and ten minutes into the drive I hit a patch where I lose the radio station I listen to in the mornings.  I decide to youtube this new song I'm obsessed with.  While I'm trying to type in his name I sideswipe a guardrail.  I just barely clean up my last mess before I make a new one!!  I get to work and am just stewing in anger at myself.  My boss comes in and is cheery and asks how my weekend was.  I spin around to face him and say, "I just can't stop fucking up!!" and explain what happened.  He thought it was hilarious and ran out to my car to check out the damage.

Since I'm sure you all want to know what hot jam I was trying to youtube, check it out here.  It's basically about me, except its from a dude's perspective instead of a chick's, but I'm sure you'll see the similarities.

Vampy Chomp

I was visiting an old friend I hadn't seen in years.  It was a short, last-minute trip.  So short that the plan was to just not sleep the whole time I was there so we could do more activities.  I think we made it to 11 am and had both reached maximum exhaustion.  Well, he was definitely at maximum exhaustion, I really just wanted to go eat pancakes.  We took a quick power nap, during which we made out a little bit, and I really do mean a little bit, it was that sleepy kind of thing where its almost like it isn't happening, and it was a nice mike out, but very soft, if that makes sense.  We were both too tired to put much effort into it.  Anyway, we kiss a bit, and I probably bit his earlobe or kiss his neck, whatever it was it led to him saying:

So, I do...but I guess it wasn't quite what he wanted, so he added:

Again, I tried, but, I still couldn't seem to get it right.

Months later we were talking about it and he likened my "sexy vampire" bite to chomping down on a pork chop.  I maintain he is lying and was totally in to it.

Tinder Date #1

I actually had one previous tinder date, but it was when I was travelling in Europe, so I don't count that one as much...that was basically finding a tour guide online (although, I did end up sleeping with him...but no need to over-analyze the situation).  Back to America and tinder.  So, I matched with this guy a day or two before Christmas.  We messaged back and forth, exchanged numbers, he even asked me to call him a couple times over the holiday to make sure he woke up on time (I found this endearing).  Because of the timing we weren't able to actually meet up and go on a date until the 3rd of January.  He lives in the area I spend half of my week in, so he suggested a mini pub crawl, to show me around, then this turned into a pub golf first date.  I thought pub crawls and pub golf were the same thing, but it turns out pub golf usually involves going to nine bars and at each bar you have to drink your beer in anywhere between 1-6 drinks, each bar has a different drink "par" set, and whoever has the lowest score at the end is the winner.  I think I could pretty much go pro with my drinking at this point, so I wasn't too worried about embarrassing myself, and I was pretty excited for a date built around drinking, I think its a good way to get to know someone.

So this guy planned out the whole thing, mapping out the bar order and assigning each a type of beer and setting the drink par for each one.  The date went super well, it was lots of fun, people thought we were funny, we made a few alcoholic friends along the way.  This date started midday on a Saturday.  A couple of the bars we went to towards the end were a bit busy, so we had to rework our plan, and ended up going to this bar call Touche's.  This was my favourite bar on the course.  We sat at the bar next to a travelling salesman named Kent, and he was doing fireball shots and having beers.  He became our best friend.  There was a table of older ladies who ordered a round of Rumchata martinis, and we had a good laugh with the waitress and bartender when she gave him the order.  This was maybe the sixth bar out of nine, so I decided we should do some shots with our new friend Kent.

Now, there is a line I cross when drinking, and once I'm over this line I curse like none other.  So, I'm sure I was liberally dropping the F-bomb along with all his friends.  At one point the bartender had to tell me to stop cursing so much, and this is like a shitty dive bar. I can't lie, I feel quite accomplished for this.  We left soon after, to finish our pub golf course.  I ended up winning and we had the bartender and some other people along the way sign the score card, which, as the winner, I got to keep.

I wasn't going to post this because it has the dude's name...but, its generic enough, and there's only 12 people in the world who read this, so I think it will all be ok.  The best parts of this are: 1) the bartender at the last bar signed this "Awesome. She cusses a lot! I win #bestbartender" 2) the mystery person who wrote "next year ya gotta get pics" and 3) the part where someone drew a heart around Derrick's name and a monkey face around my name.

I think this is the most fun first date I've been on.  Then I went on a trip out of state, then this guy was sick the week I got back, so it was maybe a month before we had out second date.  Which was just me going over to his house on a Monday after work.  It was incredibly awkward.  We were sitting on a couch, just both facing the TV, he is super into sports, so he was watching a basketball game, but offered to change to something else for me.  I don't really watch TV, so I wasn't bothered.  He ended up changing it to Big Bang Theory, and a little piece of me died inside.  More BIG BANG and less Big Bang Theory on date number two please!!  Is that so much to ask?!?

Fifth Wheel

So one day we were all standing around at work (by "all" I mean the three of us that work there).  And I jokingly say:

                                                           Me                                    My Boss
                                                                                         (and the business owner)

Then, he went on to explain that during Christmas, he usually took out the employees and their significant others for dinner and a movie, then gave me a pitying look.  He is married with three kids, and the other employee is a high school senior with a serious girlfriend.  I tried to stay positive by adding:

I also offered to take out a personal add on craigslist to find myself a date for this event...but after repeated pleading from my boss and his wife, I decided to just resign myself to my standard fifth wheel status.

The event itself, turned out to be quite fun.  There was an open house at work before our company party, and some friends and customers came by.  One woman did ask if I was the mother of my high school co-worker's girlfriend...which pretty much ruined Christmas for me, but dinner and the movie were fun.

World Wide Weirdos (www.datingonlinesucks.com)

When I realized I was going to have to move back to my hometown I wanted to put a positive spin on it.  So, I made goals involving hiking at all the state parks, trying all of the state micro-brew beers and I started online dating.  I thought it would be funny, and I didn't really date much in HK, so this would be a good chance to practice some dating skills.  I was fully ready for some weird but hilarious situations...i wasn't ready for the shitty wasteland that being single in your 30s can be.

That being said...I will share the shitty times because, this is my life, and if I don't write it out, its like it never happened, because I sure can't remember every shitty thing that happens (I've used "shitty" more in this post than I usually do in a whole year...that was not one of my goals when moving home...maybe it should have been)

I had Tinder for approximately a week in HK.  I got it swiped a bit, talked to a few guys, but never even go to the actual phone number exchange phase.  Then I had a nightmare that guys on the street were recognizing me from Tinder and were calling me a whore and a slut, and it was horrible, so I deleted the app the next day.

Well, fast-forward to being back in the Midwest, with an embarrassing lack of friends, my job doesn't involve much interaction with people under the age of 60, so...i got Tinder up and running on my phone.  I still mostly swipe left (this isn't a political statement, left = no thanks in the Tinder world).  But every now and then I manage a match.  I matched with this guy, and he seemed ok for the first little bit of chatting, a little funny...a little chubby...but all in all ok.  Well, of course I was wrong.  We exchanged numbers and he started sending me dick pics.  Then he asked to jack off on skype, I declined.  I said that is like all the shame of a one night stand with out any of the gratification.  I just don't see the point of it.  This had to have been back in October or November.  As of today's date, the last dick pic he sent was February 1st.  No provocation or response from me with in the last three months.  Well...sometime in January I was drunk when he sent a dick pic, and I wrote back that I didn't understand why he didn't just try to sleep with me...but that was from more of a journalistic standpoint, not an I'm interested standpoint.  Either way, since then I have not responded.

I asked a guy friend about this, and his stance was that he only thought girls were in to dick pics if there was a chance that in the future that dick would get the girl off.  I could't agree more.  What do I care what your dick looks like if its not going to fuck me (and I do me fuck me, not fuck me over, unless by fuck me over you mean fuck me over a bed/table/appliance...you get the idea).

Anyway, despite all of this, Tinder is still my best way to meet people.   I'm thinking of trying to frequent a coffee shop, or be a regular somewhere so I can maybe be picked up by a dude the old fashioned way.  Until then all I just have to keep swiping.

Moving Pictures

Some unknown (unremembered) night in Alaska, after hiking and drinking, I stumbled back into my cabin apartment.  I didn't have a roommate for most of my time in Alaska, but during this week I did.  I came into our room and soon after stumbled into our suite-mate's room (our suite-mates were both over 40, and worked at the hairdressers for the resort we all worked at)

I'm the creep leaning up against my neighbour's bed.  Of course, I blacked all this out, but from what I was told, the girl in the bed woke up, and I was just leaning against her bed.  She asked if I was okay, and I said my roommate needed some alone time with her boyfriend (in real life my roommate didn't have a boyfriend, and was alone in the room, so I don't know what my drunk mind made up).  So my suite-mate asked if I needed to stay with them.  I shook my head yes.  Now, remember, these are small temporary housing units.  My suite-mate scooted the the inside edge of her bed and lifted her covers up, signaling me to crawl in.  

They also had a TV, which my roommate and I did not.  So they made a joke about me just making up a reason to come watch TV, to which I responded with laughter and some nonsensical sentence about coming to watch the moving pictures.  Needless to say, when I woke up the next morning I was very confused, but thankful.