Complisult #33

Painful Realizations

Went out with friends, the usual combo of two couples plus me. They all headed home before 10. I was ready to go home at that point as well, and we were drinking in my part of town, making drinking alone in my bed particularly appealing. So, that's what I did. This was a Saturday night.

Once home, I continued drinking and was working on another project. I like doing creative things while tipsy, I hope that doesn't mean I lack creativity when sober.

As I'm working (and drinking) my phone starts blowing up. I use the term loosely, no one is that interested in searching me out, they just figure I'm available. They being two different guys I had one night stands with, one being three years ago, the other over a year ago, both of whom live in different countries than my current residency...and each other for that matter. Then a third suitor of the digital variety joined the phone-a-friend party that evening. He was a fairly recent tinder match, who seemed way more interested in talking about meeting up than actually meeting up.

The oldest of the one night stands (oldest as in time since the fling...as if I'd bother remembering an age, it hard enough keeping track of names!!) buzzared off after I refused to send some nakie pics, I told him I was drunk and bloated, that did the trick. The other one night stand I skyped with, a simple exchange of possible visits that will never happen, a short and sweet exchange.  The new tinder dude on the scene launched into a convo about slaves and masters...I cannot remember the lead up to this, but I was unimpressed, this convo should only be undertaken after extreme amounts of alcohol, and in a perfect world, after at least a couple dates. I don't think I'm especially old fashioned and needing of romancing, but  I can't imagine any sort of slave/master situation before even meeting the guy, this is correct reasoning, right?

So, long story short, this is dating in your 30s in the post-smart phone world. I will most likely be single forever, time for bed.

Body Pump

    While waiting at the gym for a body pump        class, which is focused on lifting weights, a     middle aged Chinese man made some small                    talk with me and my friend.

He was wanting to lose weight, so he thought he should start doing a class that was more focused on cardio...and then went on to tell my friend, maybe that was what she needed as well.  To be fair, he delivered this message in a very nice and well meaning way.

This is one of the best compliments I've gotten...just someone telling me I may be yhe right size, nothing for sure...but maybe.

Snicky Snacks

I was traveling with my friend and we were walking around NYC looking at stuff and then he caught me being a bit of a creep...

Merry Christmas...And Happy Holidays

The time of year is upon us again...the annual holiday video is out!!!!  ENJOY!!!

kd

Homecoming

I moved back to Hong Kong in late August.  I got in on a Friday morning, went to meet with my old landlord (since I was moving into the apartment one floor below the apartment I lived in before I left), unpacked and set up my tiny box of a room, took a shower and then headed out to meet some friends for happy hour.  I met them around 6 p.m. It was great seeing everyone again and catching up, however, I blacked out around 8 p.m. Clearly, I waste no time, and of course, I was still out until 3 or 4 a.m.

On Saturday, I woke up and soon after threw up, so I got the christening of my bathroom out of the way.  I spent the bulk of the day lounging and nursing my hangover before I went to meet up with some other friends that evening.  I told them about the night before, and they were very kind in blaming the blackout on jet-lag.  Cheers, I'll drink to that, and I did, and once again I blacked out before 10 p.m.

On Sunday, I woke up. Sprawled across my bed, still fully clothed, lights still on, with some 7/11 food remnants next to me.  Gross.  I like to think I have a thirst for knowledge (and water at this particular moment) so I researched blackouts and how to keep them from happening.  Here is what I found, to avoid blackouts you should eat, hydrate, pace yourself, drink weaker drinks, rest, don't drink in strange places, and avoid dumbness.  Ummm, I have a problem with all of these.

1) Eat--I don't feel like eating after a few drinks, I only think about food when I'm stumbling home drunk and I eat an entire weeks worth of calories before I pass out.  I really wish I was one of those people who would pass out before they ate all the snacks they drunk buy, but I'm very goal oriented.
2) Hydrate--I can't be wasting time hydrating when I'm in an all you can drink situation with a time limit.
3) Pace myself-- See the previous statement
4) Drink weaker drinks--I'm trying to rage, not chill, and I have a heavy hand when I pour drinks.
5) Rest--too busy drinking all the drinks
6) Don't drink in strange places--I did mention I moved back to HK, right?
7) Avoid dumbness--I've been writing this blog for around three years, if this is the first post you are reading, click on any previous one and you will see the tip of my dumbness, at this point I don't think its something I can avoid.  I don't think I search it out, but I do think its part of my personality.

This article went on to say if you have frequent blackouts you could try alcohol abstinence or marijuana maintenance to deal with the problem.  Thanks for the suggestions.

Head Weight

When I first got back to HK I had a couple days before work started, so I stopped by my old job since their school term had already begun.  It was good to see some of my old colleagues, but also weird to make small talk with some people there who I thought I would never see again.  Note to self, never burn bridges. Anyway, I ran into one of the Chinese teachers in the hallway, and this was her reaction seeing me again after a year and a half.

Yup, it's good to be back.

Push Up Contest

I'm not sure when I actually started doing this, but its been a couple years now.  Often, once I'm a few drinks in, I'm sure I can do more push-ups than anyone, and I want everyone to know I'm the best, so I'll pick strangers, sometimes actual friends, and challenge them to a push up contest.  I often get turned down as it seems most people don't want to do push ups in bars or at parties, I know, I don't get it either.  The rules are as many push ups as you can in two minutes.  I can usually get around 50 or 60, and, yeah, I do the push ups on my toes, not my knees.

Over the summer, I went to a wedding of some friends, and when the bride invited me she gave me two rules:  no rolling around on the ground and no push up contests until after 10pm.  I need very direct rules to know how to act at events.  So, at the wedding, I had my eyes on my watch waiting for push up o'clock.

I ended up having my push up contest with a less bulgy-biceped guy who was a firefighter, and I totally beat him!  He might have let me win...but I think I'm just stronger than him.

Separation of Church and Rape

I was visiting a couple friends, and we were having some midday drinks.  We probably were all feeling a bit tipsy, but we were no where near drunk enough for where the conversation took us.  It started out as a joke, but just kind of spun out of control.  If I explain the whole thing it is going to take too long and get too political.  I'll say how it started though.  These were friends I have from my first post-college job...about 10 years ago.  One of my friends referenced how I used to frequently say, "silence equals consent." There was a rapid downward spiral from there that ended with one of my friends walking out of the spiked ginger beer bar we were in (hippy west coast style).  We eventually tracked the friend down and he was sitting on the stoop of an abandoned church.

The conversation continued in a ridiculous fashion, through no one's fault, it just all got way more heated than it needed to.  Either way, the best part was, when this woman was crossing the street and what she shouted out to us:

Sage words, passerby.  I will keep them with me always.

Things in My Handbag

I went to a beer festival yesterday, in preparation for all the beer and foodstand carnage that was going to happen I rad 12 miles.  That might have been a mistake though, because I was buzzing way too early.  I just get too excited at events and am incapable of pacing myself.  I was hopping around between a couple friend groups and kept getting lost.  I made friends with a couple of beer stand people.  Bought a shirt at one of them and negotiated for a free beer...I have no idea what I paid for the shirt, so it may or may not have been a good deal.  I also, gave that beer stand my phone number and email, I think I might become an apprentice there if they get in contact with me.  I was trying to talk this drummer (who is in a band with one of my friends) to giving me drumming lessons...he was not into it at all, but for the record, I think I would be a good drummer.  At one point when I was standing around talking my skirt just fell off...it was just a jersey knit, and I just got it a couple days ago, but apparently that material stretches out easily.  Anyway, here are the contents of my purse as found when I woke up the next morning fully clothed with my lights still on:

-2 hangover cure drinks (I sadly did not bother to drink any of them)
-1 bottle cap
-kowloon bay brewery t-shirt
-neon glow bracelets
-bonus points for still having my wallet and phone!!!
-8 packs of condoms (one of the stands was giving these away...and apparently in my drunken state I was very sure I was going to get lucky, in reality I woke up with the remnants of 2 7/11 sandwiches in my bed...not a man...I'm gross)

Basic

I met up with a friend for happy hour.  The bar was one of those great ones with an obscene about of beer on tap.

We were having a great time, when the bartender set a sample size of an IPA in front of me and said a guy down the bar sent it over.  I'm not the kind of girl a guy buys a drink for, I'm the kind of girl a guy sends a free sample of a beer to.  The bar was really busy, so I didn't really see who the tiny beer was from.  I did drink it.  Then, more than an hour later, when the bar had cleared out a bit the guy came over and asked if I liked the beer.  I'd had a couple more regular-sized beers at this point, so I couldn't really remember it, but I said yes, in an attempt to be congenial.  He chatted with us for maybe 5 minutes, then left.  Didn't hit on either of us, buy either of us a drink, or even chat for that long...such a weird interaction.  Several non-basic IPAs later, the bartender comes back by and my friend (one of those people who know their limits) totally sells me out!! haha

Painful Realization

I first signed up for some online dating website last September.  I was scrolling through facebook and saw that over the last year he started seeing someone, and they just got married in vegas.  Over the last year I have been on about four dates, none of them leading to even a second date.

Tinder Date #4

I met up with this guy, we had dinner and drinks.  The date was going pretty well, conversation flowed easily, drinks were going down smoothly.  The waitress comes by and tells us the restaurant part of the place we were at was closing, but we could move to the bar.  The guy says maybe we should change bars...or we could go back to his for a nightcap.  I say, I hate making decisions, we should just flip a coin.  Neither of us have a coin, so I pick up a coaster off the table, and flip that, heads we go to his, tails we go to a different bar.  It lands tails up, and he looks at me and says, let's just go back to my place, I'm happy to agree.

We get to his place, and take some shots of tequila.  We end up making out and he is getting handsy, so I straight up tell him I'm not going to sleep with him.  I also, like to say things like this aloud, as a way of reminding myself not to sleep with guys, it helps keep me accountable.  His response...

We continue fooling around and he ends up cumming on my stomach (just from grinding and hand stuff, I stayed true to my decision of not sleeping with him).  I'm not usually weird about cum, but for some reason, I jumped up out of his bed and ran into the bathroom, saying I had to get it off me, I'm not trying to be pregnant.  "You are a 31 year old woman, right?" he called after me.  To which I shouted back, "I know I'm weird, don't judge me!"

To be fair, he did message me the following day, and wished me happy travels, as I was going out of town for a couple weeks.  However, I think in my absence, he found someone on tinder...or maybe even in real life.  Someone who probably isn't weird about cum and someone who doesn't think of their life as a social experiment because he never messaged me again.  But good for him, I got a blog post out of it, so really we all came out ahead.

Complisult #18

Good Vibrations

So, I bought a vibrator from groupon.  This happened when I was living with my parents.  I thought it would make me a little less on edge and stop acting like a hormonal teenager.  Plus, it was on groupon for like 12 bucks...when it comes to my sexual satisfaction bargain basement prices are a must (I'm an idiot).

I had it for maybe a month and hadn't used it, and one night, I thought I should.  I got it out and started to, but I don't really like masturbating, I know you are supposed to own your sexuality and all that, but I like when a dude is in to me, not when I'm into myself (haha, that can be taken literally).  I tried, but I wasn't loving it, so I just put it under my pillow and left it there.  It stayed there for over a week, and I kind of forgot about it.  I went out of town for the weekend, and when I got back my mom said something about washing my sheets while I was gone.  Now, we are not a very open family.  I never got an actual "sex talk" when I was growing up.  I don't really talk to my parents about dudes, nor did I fill my mom in on my groupon purchase.  I nonchalantly made my way to my room, and there was a box beside my bed, and my mom had discretely placed my vibrator in there.  She never said a word about it.  I left in the box for the next month or so, and when I finally pulled it out to give it another go the batteries had died, so fuck that (not fuck me, clearly).

Then, another couple of months later my sister's kids were coming to spend a week with my parents, and my mom, very unobtrusively mentioned that I needed to make sure my room was in order and there wasn't anything within reach that I would need to explain to a five or seven year old.  Thanks mom!

In the Words of Jason Derulo "I'm Ridin' Solo"

I interviewed for a job back in HK, and here is how the call went:

Principal:  Where will you live when you come to Hong Kong

Me:  I'm not sure, I will need to start looking for an apartment.

Principal:  You will come to Hong Kong alone?  You have to partner?

Me;  Oh, yeah, it's just me.

Principal:  But Lily has a partner, Kerry has a partner, and you...have no partner?

(Sidenote:  Lily and Kerry are other girls I know who work for this school)

Me:  Story of my life

I did get the job, and sadly that took up about as much of the interview as the job details did.  Oh, Asia...I love you...and I hate you.

Jumper

A long, long time ago...when I was still young and dumb (this is a joke, I'm still both of those things), and I was in university on spring break, I was driving around with some friends when I got the idea in my head that I could jump out of a moving car and stick the landing.  I'm not a total idiot, I thought I could do it with the car going around 15 mph.  I tried.  I failed...and I cut my hand pretty badly.  Fast-forward to a couple weekends ago, when I was driving around with some friends, and we'd been reminiscing and the old jumping out of a car story came up.  Well, as my loyal readers know, I am not the best about learning my lessons.  

Pass 1:  I jump and stick the landing while this monster of a truck is going 1 mph.  As soon as I realize I did it, I ran to catch up with the truck and jump back in.

Pass 2:  I jump out with the truck going 5 mph.  I don't quite stick the landing, but I do the best forward motion shoulder roll!  I'm not considering becoming a stunt double.  Any ideas for celebs I should approach with my offer?

Complisult #27

Painful Realization

I have a friend who is a singer/songwriter who wrote a song called painful realizations.  This was a long time ago, but it popped up on my ipod recently and I decided to make this a recurring blog post.  I have painful realizations on the regular, so I may as well share them.

I was counting how long it had been since I'd last had sex.  I think my record of celibacy is around 4 months (this is my record post serious boyfriend which was about three years ago).  I am not around many single people back in the states, and I don't go out drinking like I did in Hong Kong, which equals way less sex for me.  I have been toying with the idea of secondary virginity or even just giving up one night stands, but then I think what if someone really great comes along, so I can't commit to either of those ideas.  Either way, I was counting back to when I had had sex last and went back to February, I was feeling very proud of myself and thinking how good and reserved I had been.  Then, all of a sudden, it hit me.  I had very short, very bad sex in May.  It was with a guy I had slept with before, so in my stupid slutty mind I didn't even count it, because having sex with someone you've already been with is basically a free space.  This is my painful realization.

Too Old?!?