Painful Realization

I first signed up for some online dating website last September.  I was scrolling through facebook and saw that over the last year he started seeing someone, and they just got married in vegas.  Over the last year I have been on about four dates, none of them leading to even a second date.

Tinder Date #4

I met up with this guy, we had dinner and drinks.  The date was going pretty well, conversation flowed easily, drinks were going down smoothly.  The waitress comes by and tells us the restaurant part of the place we were at was closing, but we could move to the bar.  The guy says maybe we should change bars...or we could go back to his for a nightcap.  I say, I hate making decisions, we should just flip a coin.  Neither of us have a coin, so I pick up a coaster off the table, and flip that, heads we go to his, tails we go to a different bar.  It lands tails up, and he looks at me and says, let's just go back to my place, I'm happy to agree.

We get to his place, and take some shots of tequila.  We end up making out and he is getting handsy, so I straight up tell him I'm not going to sleep with him.  I also, like to say things like this aloud, as a way of reminding myself not to sleep with guys, it helps keep me accountable.  His response...

We continue fooling around and he ends up cumming on my stomach (just from grinding and hand stuff, I stayed true to my decision of not sleeping with him).  I'm not usually weird about cum, but for some reason, I jumped up out of his bed and ran into the bathroom, saying I had to get it off me, I'm not trying to be pregnant.  "You are a 31 year old woman, right?" he called after me.  To which I shouted back, "I know I'm weird, don't judge me!"

To be fair, he did message me the following day, and wished me happy travels, as I was going out of town for a couple weeks.  However, I think in my absence, he found someone on tinder...or maybe even in real life.  Someone who probably isn't weird about cum and someone who doesn't think of their life as a social experiment because he never messaged me again.  But good for him, I got a blog post out of it, so really we all came out ahead.

Complisult #18

Good Vibrations

So, I bought a vibrator from groupon.  This happened when I was living with my parents.  I thought it would make me a little less on edge and stop acting like a hormonal teenager.  Plus, it was on groupon for like 12 bucks...when it comes to my sexual satisfaction bargain basement prices are a must (I'm an idiot).

I had it for maybe a month and hadn't used it, and one night, I thought I should.  I got it out and started to, but I don't really like masturbating, I know you are supposed to own your sexuality and all that, but I like when a dude is in to me, not when I'm into myself (haha, that can be taken literally).  I tried, but I wasn't loving it, so I just put it under my pillow and left it there.  It stayed there for over a week, and I kind of forgot about it.  I went out of town for the weekend, and when I got back my mom said something about washing my sheets while I was gone.  Now, we are not a very open family.  I never got an actual "sex talk" when I was growing up.  I don't really talk to my parents about dudes, nor did I fill my mom in on my groupon purchase.  I nonchalantly made my way to my room, and there was a box beside my bed, and my mom had discretely placed my vibrator in there.  She never said a word about it.  I left in the box for the next month or so, and when I finally pulled it out to give it another go the batteries had died, so fuck that (not fuck me, clearly).

Then, another couple of months later my sister's kids were coming to spend a week with my parents, and my mom, very unobtrusively mentioned that I needed to make sure my room was in order and there wasn't anything within reach that I would need to explain to a five or seven year old.  Thanks mom!

In the Words of Jason Derulo "I'm Ridin' Solo"

I interviewed for a job back in HK, and here is how the call went:

Principal:  Where will you live when you come to Hong Kong

Me:  I'm not sure, I will need to start looking for an apartment.

Principal:  You will come to Hong Kong alone?  You have to partner?

Me;  Oh, yeah, it's just me.

Principal:  But Lily has a partner, Kerry has a partner, and you...have no partner?

(Sidenote:  Lily and Kerry are other girls I know who work for this school)

Me:  Story of my life

I did get the job, and sadly that took up about as much of the interview as the job details did.  Oh, Asia...I love you...and I hate you.