Fifth Wheel

So one day we were all standing around at work (by "all" I mean the three of us that work there).  And I jokingly say:

                                                           Me                                    My Boss
                                                                                         (and the business owner)

Then, he went on to explain that during Christmas, he usually took out the employees and their significant others for dinner and a movie, then gave me a pitying look.  He is married with three kids, and the other employee is a high school senior with a serious girlfriend.  I tried to stay positive by adding:

I also offered to take out a personal add on craigslist to find myself a date for this event...but after repeated pleading from my boss and his wife, I decided to just resign myself to my standard fifth wheel status.

The event itself, turned out to be quite fun.  There was an open house at work before our company party, and some friends and customers came by.  One woman did ask if I was the mother of my high school co-worker's girlfriend...which pretty much ruined Christmas for me, but dinner and the movie were fun.

World Wide Weirdos (www.datingonlinesucks.com)

When I realized I was going to have to move back to my hometown I wanted to put a positive spin on it.  So, I made goals involving hiking at all the state parks, trying all of the state micro-brew beers and I started online dating.  I thought it would be funny, and I didn't really date much in HK, so this would be a good chance to practice some dating skills.  I was fully ready for some weird but hilarious situations...i wasn't ready for the shitty wasteland that being single in your 30s can be.

That being said...I will share the shitty times because, this is my life, and if I don't write it out, its like it never happened, because I sure can't remember every shitty thing that happens (I've used "shitty" more in this post than I usually do in a whole year...that was not one of my goals when moving home...maybe it should have been)

I had Tinder for approximately a week in HK.  I got it swiped a bit, talked to a few guys, but never even go to the actual phone number exchange phase.  Then I had a nightmare that guys on the street were recognizing me from Tinder and were calling me a whore and a slut, and it was horrible, so I deleted the app the next day.

Well, fast-forward to being back in the Midwest, with an embarrassing lack of friends, my job doesn't involve much interaction with people under the age of 60, so...i got Tinder up and running on my phone.  I still mostly swipe left (this isn't a political statement, left = no thanks in the Tinder world).  But every now and then I manage a match.  I matched with this guy, and he seemed ok for the first little bit of chatting, a little funny...a little chubby...but all in all ok.  Well, of course I was wrong.  We exchanged numbers and he started sending me dick pics.  Then he asked to jack off on skype, I declined.  I said that is like all the shame of a one night stand with out any of the gratification.  I just don't see the point of it.  This had to have been back in October or November.  As of today's date, the last dick pic he sent was February 1st.  No provocation or response from me with in the last three months.  Well...sometime in January I was drunk when he sent a dick pic, and I wrote back that I didn't understand why he didn't just try to sleep with me...but that was from more of a journalistic standpoint, not an I'm interested standpoint.  Either way, since then I have not responded.

I asked a guy friend about this, and his stance was that he only thought girls were in to dick pics if there was a chance that in the future that dick would get the girl off.  I could't agree more.  What do I care what your dick looks like if its not going to fuck me (and I do me fuck me, not fuck me over, unless by fuck me over you mean fuck me over a bed/table/appliance...you get the idea).

Anyway, despite all of this, Tinder is still my best way to meet people.   I'm thinking of trying to frequent a coffee shop, or be a regular somewhere so I can maybe be picked up by a dude the old fashioned way.  Until then all I just have to keep swiping.

Moving Pictures

Some unknown (unremembered) night in Alaska, after hiking and drinking, I stumbled back into my cabin apartment.  I didn't have a roommate for most of my time in Alaska, but during this week I did.  I came into our room and soon after stumbled into our suite-mate's room (our suite-mates were both over 40, and worked at the hairdressers for the resort we all worked at)

I'm the creep leaning up against my neighbour's bed.  Of course, I blacked all this out, but from what I was told, the girl in the bed woke up, and I was just leaning against her bed.  She asked if I was okay, and I said my roommate needed some alone time with her boyfriend (in real life my roommate didn't have a boyfriend, and was alone in the room, so I don't know what my drunk mind made up).  So my suite-mate asked if I needed to stay with them.  I shook my head yes.  Now, remember, these are small temporary housing units.  My suite-mate scooted the the inside edge of her bed and lifted her covers up, signaling me to crawl in.  

They also had a TV, which my roommate and I did not.  So they made a joke about me just making up a reason to come watch TV, to which I responded with laughter and some nonsensical sentence about coming to watch the moving pictures.  Needless to say, when I woke up the next morning I was very confused, but thankful.

Laughinghouse

When working in the lodge in Alaska, part of my job as a front desk clerk was to prepare key packets for incoming guests and tour groups.  One night, I was hanging out in the back office, next to my supervisor who was dealing with lost luggage (that was the worst part of that job) while I was swiping the plastic credit card type room keys to program them for the incoming guests.

As you do this, there is a list of the guests by last name and how many people are in the room.  It's a little sad, but reading the names and finding the funny ones can be somewhat of a silver lining.  

This is the night I came across the last name "Laughinghouse" I just couldn't even believe it, what a wonderful name!  I made the key and then whispered into the paper envelope the keys go in, "I love you...find me." Then, when I closed it I kissed it for luck.  My supervisor, who was still there sitting next to me, looked at me like I was the biggest creep he'd ever met...that might not be far from the truth.

I was sure that this was an older couple who had a grandson of some sort who is the man I'm meant to marry...I was hoping I would see them at check in, but somehow fate didn't have my back.  I made a second attempt to make contact by making the Laghinghouse's the "Guest of the Week."  This entitled them to two free beverage vouchers, which I delivered personally, but they weren't in their room.  As of the writing of this post, I still haven't met any of the Laughinghouse's, but I still maintain I am meant to marry into that family.