Complisult # 83

The workplace is way too casual when you can throw around words like whore and kegel is a nickname of another co-worker...just kidding, I think its all hilarious

Fuck Up

I got two speeding tickets in the month of January.  I won't get into the details, but the first one was well deserved, the second I think the officer would have had to had a series of intricate mirrors set up for his radar to have clocked me.  I looked up an old friend who is now an attorney and asked if he could help me out.  this is a reinterpretation of our exchange:

*the attorney is on the left, I'm on the right

Hi Friend!

I know I haven't seen or spoken to you in years, 

but I got this speeding ticket...

Do you think you could help me out?  

Also, I'm back in America now, 

so we should totally hang out!!

Hi Kelly!

Yes, I'm at a law firm here and 

I handle lots of speeding tickets. 

Send me the ticket, and I will see 

what I can do for you.

What a wonderful turn of events.

Let me know how much the charge is, 

we can meet for lunch for a cash hand-off.

  Can I please slide the money to you 

under the table?

Of course, but you must wrap it in a newspaper.

Perfect!  I'll get a trench-coat for the occasion!!

end scene

We met, and the hand-off happened, and it was glorious.  That was on Saturday.  The following day my dad mentions he has just paid off the car I've been using since I've been home.  Come Monday morning, I'm making my usual hour and a half commute, and about an hour and ten minutes into the drive I hit a patch where I lose the radio station I listen to in the mornings.  I decide to youtube this new song I'm obsessed with.  While I'm trying to type in his name I sideswipe a guardrail.  I just barely clean up my last mess before I make a new one!!  I get to work and am just stewing in anger at myself.  My boss comes in and is cheery and asks how my weekend was.  I spin around to face him and say, "I just can't stop fucking up!!" and explain what happened.  He thought it was hilarious and ran out to my car to check out the damage.

Since I'm sure you all want to know what hot jam I was trying to youtube, check it out here.  It's basically about me, except its from a dude's perspective instead of a chick's, but I'm sure you'll see the similarities.

Vampy Chomp

I was visiting an old friend I hadn't seen in years.  It was a short, last-minute trip.  So short that the plan was to just not sleep the whole time I was there so we could do more activities.  I think we made it to 11 am and had both reached maximum exhaustion.  Well, he was definitely at maximum exhaustion, I really just wanted to go eat pancakes.  We took a quick power nap, during which we made out a little bit, and I really do mean a little bit, it was that sleepy kind of thing where its almost like it isn't happening, and it was a nice mike out, but very soft, if that makes sense.  We were both too tired to put much effort into it.  Anyway, we kiss a bit, and I probably bit his earlobe or kiss his neck, whatever it was it led to him saying:

So, I do...but I guess it wasn't quite what he wanted, so he added:

Again, I tried, but, I still couldn't seem to get it right.

Months later we were talking about it and he likened my "sexy vampire" bite to chomping down on a pork chop.  I maintain he is lying and was totally in to it.

Tinder Date #1

I actually had one previous tinder date, but it was when I was travelling in Europe, so I don't count that one as much...that was basically finding a tour guide online (although, I did end up sleeping with him...but no need to over-analyze the situation).  Back to America and tinder.  So, I matched with this guy a day or two before Christmas.  We messaged back and forth, exchanged numbers, he even asked me to call him a couple times over the holiday to make sure he woke up on time (I found this endearing).  Because of the timing we weren't able to actually meet up and go on a date until the 3rd of January.  He lives in the area I spend half of my week in, so he suggested a mini pub crawl, to show me around, then this turned into a pub golf first date.  I thought pub crawls and pub golf were the same thing, but it turns out pub golf usually involves going to nine bars and at each bar you have to drink your beer in anywhere between 1-6 drinks, each bar has a different drink "par" set, and whoever has the lowest score at the end is the winner.  I think I could pretty much go pro with my drinking at this point, so I wasn't too worried about embarrassing myself, and I was pretty excited for a date built around drinking, I think its a good way to get to know someone.

So this guy planned out the whole thing, mapping out the bar order and assigning each a type of beer and setting the drink par for each one.  The date went super well, it was lots of fun, people thought we were funny, we made a few alcoholic friends along the way.  This date started midday on a Saturday.  A couple of the bars we went to towards the end were a bit busy, so we had to rework our plan, and ended up going to this bar call Touche's.  This was my favourite bar on the course.  We sat at the bar next to a travelling salesman named Kent, and he was doing fireball shots and having beers.  He became our best friend.  There was a table of older ladies who ordered a round of Rumchata martinis, and we had a good laugh with the waitress and bartender when she gave him the order.  This was maybe the sixth bar out of nine, so I decided we should do some shots with our new friend Kent.

Now, there is a line I cross when drinking, and once I'm over this line I curse like none other.  So, I'm sure I was liberally dropping the F-bomb along with all his friends.  At one point the bartender had to tell me to stop cursing so much, and this is like a shitty dive bar. I can't lie, I feel quite accomplished for this.  We left soon after, to finish our pub golf course.  I ended up winning and we had the bartender and some other people along the way sign the score card, which, as the winner, I got to keep.

I wasn't going to post this because it has the dude's name...but, its generic enough, and there's only 12 people in the world who read this, so I think it will all be ok.  The best parts of this are: 1) the bartender at the last bar signed this "Awesome. She cusses a lot! I win #bestbartender" 2) the mystery person who wrote "next year ya gotta get pics" and 3) the part where someone drew a heart around Derrick's name and a monkey face around my name.

I think this is the most fun first date I've been on.  Then I went on a trip out of state, then this guy was sick the week I got back, so it was maybe a month before we had out second date.  Which was just me going over to his house on a Monday after work.  It was incredibly awkward.  We were sitting on a couch, just both facing the TV, he is super into sports, so he was watching a basketball game, but offered to change to something else for me.  I don't really watch TV, so I wasn't bothered.  He ended up changing it to Big Bang Theory, and a little piece of me died inside.  More BIG BANG and less Big Bang Theory on date number two please!!  Is that so much to ask?!?