Playing Doctor

Some of my friends from working in Alaska were spending their winter working in Colorado, so I figured I might as well cash in my friendship chips and crash with them and spend a long weekend getting my ski legs back. I was flying into Denver and one of my friends has a car and said he could pick me up, but not until the next day because of work. I am shameless, so I decided to then cash in my one-night-stand chips and see if I could stay with a dude I hooked up with at a wedding a few months earlier. Please note, this was not a guy friend I had hung out with before or even met before. I didn't know anyone at this wedding besides the bride and groom. We snuck away from the reception and banged on a leather love-seat in a room with some other leather furniture (now I am wondering if there was a full-sized couch there, and if so, why we didn't use it) and a billiard table. It was like the room that testosterone built.

Anyway, back to my trip. The guy was super cool about it, and had no problem letting me crash his party and stay at his place. So, I got in and killed some time downtown, before he could drive over and pick me up. He had lost his phone a couple days before, so this had to be intricately planned through facebook messages. I was able to find the pick up location, but then almost weirdly shook hands with a stranger because I couldn't totally remember what the guy looked like. I know I can be kind of an asshole, but I can't be expected to remember the face of every dude I've slept with! That would be preposterous!

We went to a mall to see what the Groomsman's options were for his missing phone. This kid named Caleb was helping us, I use the term helping loosely, sense to most questions he would just answer, “I'm not sure.” or, “Well, I have an iphone, so I don't know how androids work.” It was so bad, at one point, we asked him if he could look up an answer or ask someone else...you know, do his job. The Groomsman ended up canceling his old phone and ordering a new one, at least I think that was what happened, I was kind of being a creep lingering in the background, because I didn't want to get all up in this guys business. I was snapchatting a friend, so I took a selfie to send, and then some fucking Verizon worker called me out on it, dick.

After the phone got sorted out we went to get some lunch, he took me to a taco place. When our plates came out I asked if we were going to swap taco for taco, he was totally into it. This is a stupid detail, I realize, but I'm using it to express how un-awkward this second meeting was. What a pleasant surprise. Drunk Kelly makes a lot of horrible decisions, but every now and then she isn't a piece of shit.

When we get back to his place he had some work to do, he also had a fridge full of beer he told me I could occupy my time with, done! I will never be too good to drink excessively alone.

Fast forward to later in the night, we are post-coital and its dark, the lights are off, he gets up and leaves the room for a minute, when he comes back in, he fumbles around for a bit and then hits the light, he's holding a knife. He immediately says,

Don't worry, I didn't get murdered. The Groomsman had gotten into a snowboarding accident a couple weeks before, and he had some stitches that were ready to come out. I can't remember why he hadn't seen a doctor, or if it was just the itching of the stitches was getting to him, or if banging me just makes dudes want to inflict self-harm, but the point is, he wasn't trying to cut me.

He's trying to cut these stitches, and he asks if I want to help, duh!! When else am I going to get to cut off some guy's stitches especially when I'm naked in his bed. This knife must be the dullest in the world, it isn't cutting anything, plus the blade is too wide to fit between the stitches. Then, I go into doctor mode, and I don't mean the sexy kind.

Once I get the proper tools, I am a stitch pulling machine. He eventually took over, but its my ingenuity that got us there. I can always find a way to compliment myself.

Now, this would be a fine place for the story to end...but about a month later I'm drinking alone in a hotel room.  I have a half marathon the next day, and because I make horrible decisions I get blackout drunk on my own.  This is how I prepare for a race.  So, while I'm blacked out I send the Groomsman this facebook message:

Hi! So...the post-coital stitches snipping is definitely blog worthy,
but because I kind of like you, I want to offer a read through before I post. Also, it's still a long ways off of being posted. Also, I'm drunk,
and I do have a crush on you..it's stupid, right? I just never
never know how to act...and when in doubt, I go with over-honesty...
this might be why I'm single...but there could also be a
million other reasons for that...
Anyway, I hope you got your phone and contacts all
sorted out, despite caleb's shitty service...if you want me to send him a dead bird, I'm in the rural midwest, it would be easy to make happen

And just like that, any cool points I had from cutting out stitches were lost.  I am nothing if not a self-saboteur.  He responded in about the most gracious way I could hope for.  

LOL this might be the best FB message I've ever received

Oh, the bitter-sweetness of unrequited love...my tried and true friend.  Of course, I have an ongoing theme of only being attracted to boys I think I'll never see again, so its a self fulfilling prophecy.  Still no word on whether or not he wants me to send the dead bird.