Good Vibrations

So, I bought a vibrator from groupon.  This happened when I was living with my parents.  I thought it would make me a little less on edge and stop acting like a hormonal teenager.  Plus, it was on groupon for like 12 bucks...when it comes to my sexual satisfaction bargain basement prices are a must (I'm an idiot).

I had it for maybe a month and hadn't used it, and one night, I thought I should.  I got it out and started to, but I don't really like masturbating, I know you are supposed to own your sexuality and all that, but I like when a dude is in to me, not when I'm into myself (haha, that can be taken literally).  I tried, but I wasn't loving it, so I just put it under my pillow and left it there.  It stayed there for over a week, and I kind of forgot about it.  I went out of town for the weekend, and when I got back my mom said something about washing my sheets while I was gone.  Now, we are not a very open family.  I never got an actual "sex talk" when I was growing up.  I don't really talk to my parents about dudes, nor did I fill my mom in on my groupon purchase.  I nonchalantly made my way to my room, and there was a box beside my bed, and my mom had discretely placed my vibrator in there.  She never said a word about it.  I left in the box for the next month or so, and when I finally pulled it out to give it another go the batteries had died, so fuck that (not fuck me, clearly).

Then, another couple of months later my sister's kids were coming to spend a week with my parents, and my mom, very unobtrusively mentioned that I needed to make sure my room was in order and there wasn't anything within reach that I would need to explain to a five or seven year old.  Thanks mom!

In the Words of Jason Derulo "I'm Ridin' Solo"

I interviewed for a job back in HK, and here is how the call went:

Principal:  Where will you live when you come to Hong Kong

Me:  I'm not sure, I will need to start looking for an apartment.

Principal:  You will come to Hong Kong alone?  You have to partner?

Me;  Oh, yeah, it's just me.

Principal:  But Lily has a partner, Kerry has a partner, and you...have no partner?

(Sidenote:  Lily and Kerry are other girls I know who work for this school)

Me:  Story of my life

I did get the job, and sadly that took up about as much of the interview as the job details did.  Oh, Asia...I love you...and I hate you.

Jumper

A long, long time ago...when I was still young and dumb (this is a joke, I'm still both of those things), and I was in university on spring break, I was driving around with some friends when I got the idea in my head that I could jump out of a moving car and stick the landing.  I'm not a total idiot, I thought I could do it with the car going around 15 mph.  I tried.  I failed...and I cut my hand pretty badly.  Fast-forward to a couple weekends ago, when I was driving around with some friends, and we'd been reminiscing and the old jumping out of a car story came up.  Well, as my loyal readers know, I am not the best about learning my lessons.  

Pass 1:  I jump and stick the landing while this monster of a truck is going 1 mph.  As soon as I realize I did it, I ran to catch up with the truck and jump back in.

Pass 2:  I jump out with the truck going 5 mph.  I don't quite stick the landing, but I do the best forward motion shoulder roll!  I'm not considering becoming a stunt double.  Any ideas for celebs I should approach with my offer?

Complisult #27

Painful Realization

I have a friend who is a singer/songwriter who wrote a song called painful realizations.  This was a long time ago, but it popped up on my ipod recently and I decided to make this a recurring blog post.  I have painful realizations on the regular, so I may as well share them.

I was counting how long it had been since I'd last had sex.  I think my record of celibacy is around 4 months (this is my record post serious boyfriend which was about three years ago).  I am not around many single people back in the states, and I don't go out drinking like I did in Hong Kong, which equals way less sex for me.  I have been toying with the idea of secondary virginity or even just giving up one night stands, but then I think what if someone really great comes along, so I can't commit to either of those ideas.  Either way, I was counting back to when I had had sex last and went back to February, I was feeling very proud of myself and thinking how good and reserved I had been.  Then, all of a sudden, it hit me.  I had very short, very bad sex in May.  It was with a guy I had slept with before, so in my stupid slutty mind I didn't even count it, because having sex with someone you've already been with is basically a free space.  This is my painful realization.

Too Old?!?

Pete's the Beyonce

I was visiting my friend and her husband who live in Chicago, and we decided to go up to their family's cabin in Wisconsin for the weekend.  It was winter and it's in the middle of nowhere, very beautiful, very peaceful, loads of cabin drinking.  Because the majority of our weekend was spent lounging and drinking I was falling behind on my fitbit steps.  So, one night after drinking I forced them to join me in a dance party, and for some reason I made my friend make all these videos on her phone...there were a lot of them, and they were all over five minutes, we watched part of one the next morning, but it was just video proof of how lame we are, we couldn't get through even one whole video.  We were dancing around for more than an hour, and somehow my friend's husband was pulling out these amazing dance moves.  I thought it was fantastic, my friend was over this whole situation and just wanted to go to bed.  Instead of letter her sleep we all had a sit down and had the stupidest drunk convo about how Pete, my friend's husband, was the Beyonce, and she thought she was going to be the Beyonce, and sure, this came as a surprise to all of us, but Pete was killing it.  Then to flesh out the metaphor I deemed my friend as Michelle and me as Kelly, since we have the same name.  Way to make pop culture comparison to a group that has been broken up for over ten years.  The next night we got smashed and watched Dream Girls and had another mini dance party...my friend went to bed before the movie was over, she wasn't having any of it.

It's because of incidents like this that I'm only invited to hang out every other month.