Jumper

A long, long time ago...when I was still young and dumb (this is a joke, I'm still both of those things), and I was in university on spring break, I was driving around with some friends when I got the idea in my head that I could jump out of a moving car and stick the landing.  I'm not a total idiot, I thought I could do it with the car going around 15 mph.  I tried.  I failed...and I cut my hand pretty badly.  Fast-forward to a couple weekends ago, when I was driving around with some friends, and we'd been reminiscing and the old jumping out of a car story came up.  Well, as my loyal readers know, I am not the best about learning my lessons.  

Pass 1:  I jump and stick the landing while this monster of a truck is going 1 mph.  As soon as I realize I did it, I ran to catch up with the truck and jump back in.

Pass 2:  I jump out with the truck going 5 mph.  I don't quite stick the landing, but I do the best forward motion shoulder roll!  I'm not considering becoming a stunt double.  Any ideas for celebs I should approach with my offer?

Complisult #27

Painful Realization

I have a friend who is a singer/songwriter who wrote a song called painful realizations.  This was a long time ago, but it popped up on my ipod recently and I decided to make this a recurring blog post.  I have painful realizations on the regular, so I may as well share them.

I was counting how long it had been since I'd last had sex.  I think my record of celibacy is around 4 months (this is my record post serious boyfriend which was about three years ago).  I am not around many single people back in the states, and I don't go out drinking like I did in Hong Kong, which equals way less sex for me.  I have been toying with the idea of secondary virginity or even just giving up one night stands, but then I think what if someone really great comes along, so I can't commit to either of those ideas.  Either way, I was counting back to when I had had sex last and went back to February, I was feeling very proud of myself and thinking how good and reserved I had been.  Then, all of a sudden, it hit me.  I had very short, very bad sex in May.  It was with a guy I had slept with before, so in my stupid slutty mind I didn't even count it, because having sex with someone you've already been with is basically a free space.  This is my painful realization.

Too Old?!?

Pete's the Beyonce

I was visiting my friend and her husband who live in Chicago, and we decided to go up to their family's cabin in Wisconsin for the weekend.  It was winter and it's in the middle of nowhere, very beautiful, very peaceful, loads of cabin drinking.  Because the majority of our weekend was spent lounging and drinking I was falling behind on my fitbit steps.  So, one night after drinking I forced them to join me in a dance party, and for some reason I made my friend make all these videos on her phone...there were a lot of them, and they were all over five minutes, we watched part of one the next morning, but it was just video proof of how lame we are, we couldn't get through even one whole video.  We were dancing around for more than an hour, and somehow my friend's husband was pulling out these amazing dance moves.  I thought it was fantastic, my friend was over this whole situation and just wanted to go to bed.  Instead of letter her sleep we all had a sit down and had the stupidest drunk convo about how Pete, my friend's husband, was the Beyonce, and she thought she was going to be the Beyonce, and sure, this came as a surprise to all of us, but Pete was killing it.  Then to flesh out the metaphor I deemed my friend as Michelle and me as Kelly, since we have the same name.  Way to make pop culture comparison to a group that has been broken up for over ten years.  The next night we got smashed and watched Dream Girls and had another mini dance party...my friend went to bed before the movie was over, she wasn't having any of it.

It's because of incidents like this that I'm only invited to hang out every other month.

Dick Pic

First of all, its amazing I haven't had a post titled this yet.  Well, done me!  Ok, now that I'm done patting myself on the back, allow me to set the scene.  I was visiting some friends I used to work with, and met up with one of them at the airport.  We went and got beers and went to go drink in the park...this was after noon, so we are respectable and all that.

We were walking back to our rental car, when we saw this jeep, with foreign plates and two surf boards on the roof.  Now, we are in the middle of the country...completely landlocked, so I thought this was hilarious and made my friend take a picture of me next to this jeep, and I did my best impression of only living to get radical.  Then I wanted to send this pic to all of our other friends we were going to be meeting up with, so they could see how much fun we were already having, and build up some excitement for our reunion.

And that's how we made a new stranger friend!

Tinder Date #3

Still swiping through d-bags and a-holes in the Midwest.  It's exhausting!  Just jokes, I'm bored and it's a decent distraction sometimes.

So, I matched with this guy, I didn't really find him attractive, but he must have had something witty or likable in his profile.  Or maybe I just was that bored...either way, we start messaging.  He suggests we go on a date and asks for ideas.  I made a really weird list of suggestions including going to a presidential library, going to this abandoned building, and playing mad lib's.  He opts for mad lib's at a bar.

We meet at a bar of his choosing, and its kind of a dive bar, they serve cheap mystery beer, so I'm happy.  We drink and do mad lib's, it was actually kind of a cool date.  But this dude, gets really weird whenever we aren't talking and will make comments about it being an awkward silence.  It wasn't awkward until he labeled it that!  I can't just talk all the time, I do have a lot of funny stories, but sometimes I need to catch my breath.  It gets even more awkward when he asks if he can kiss me.  I say yes, because it seemed like the polite response, and to be honest, I would kiss anyone to have a break from him talking about our awkward silences.

Still, he's nice enough, so I think maybe I'm just being a dick.  He walks me to my car, we make out a bit.  I'm just going through the motions, I am not into this guy.  But, I don't go home with him, so making it out of this date with just a little street make out is kind of a new record for me.  Oh, wait, it really is.  This is the first time I've been on a date with someone and not gone home with him, way to go me!!  The secret is, date guys you don't find attractive.

We keep talking and go on a second date.  It was a cool bar that had all these old school arcade games, and you can play them all you want.  We conquer some Simpson's game he loved when he was a kid.  The date is coming to a close, and he walks me to my car again.  He asks to sit in my car and make out, I say yes.  What can I say...I think its important to keep my make out game strong even during dry spells.  So we are making out, and, generally, I like kissing a lot, but with this guy its not getting me anywhere.  I'm thinking about the whole thing methodically, like I should put a hand on him so I seem like I want to touch him, I was just being in my own head about it.  It was so boring!!  Finally, I drive him to his car.  As he is getting out he tells me, "Kelly, you are my favourite.  You are the cat's pajamas."  I am stunned.  I mime tipping a hat to him and say, "That is quite the compliment, sir."  Which, admittedly is a super weird response, but a weird compliment gets a weird response.

I stop talking to him after this.  Back to swipin'.