Too Old?!?

Pete's the Beyonce

I was visiting my friend and her husband who live in Chicago, and we decided to go up to their family's cabin in Wisconsin for the weekend.  It was winter and it's in the middle of nowhere, very beautiful, very peaceful, loads of cabin drinking.  Because the majority of our weekend was spent lounging and drinking I was falling behind on my fitbit steps.  So, one night after drinking I forced them to join me in a dance party, and for some reason I made my friend make all these videos on her phone...there were a lot of them, and they were all over five minutes, we watched part of one the next morning, but it was just video proof of how lame we are, we couldn't get through even one whole video.  We were dancing around for more than an hour, and somehow my friend's husband was pulling out these amazing dance moves.  I thought it was fantastic, my friend was over this whole situation and just wanted to go to bed.  Instead of letter her sleep we all had a sit down and had the stupidest drunk convo about how Pete, my friend's husband, was the Beyonce, and she thought she was going to be the Beyonce, and sure, this came as a surprise to all of us, but Pete was killing it.  Then to flesh out the metaphor I deemed my friend as Michelle and me as Kelly, since we have the same name.  Way to make pop culture comparison to a group that has been broken up for over ten years.  The next night we got smashed and watched Dream Girls and had another mini dance party...my friend went to bed before the movie was over, she wasn't having any of it.

It's because of incidents like this that I'm only invited to hang out every other month.

Dick Pic

First of all, its amazing I haven't had a post titled this yet.  Well, done me!  Ok, now that I'm done patting myself on the back, allow me to set the scene.  I was visiting some friends I used to work with, and met up with one of them at the airport.  We went and got beers and went to go drink in the park...this was after noon, so we are respectable and all that.

We were walking back to our rental car, when we saw this jeep, with foreign plates and two surf boards on the roof.  Now, we are in the middle of the country...completely landlocked, so I thought this was hilarious and made my friend take a picture of me next to this jeep, and I did my best impression of only living to get radical.  Then I wanted to send this pic to all of our other friends we were going to be meeting up with, so they could see how much fun we were already having, and build up some excitement for our reunion.

And that's how we made a new stranger friend!

Tinder Date #3

Still swiping through d-bags and a-holes in the Midwest.  It's exhausting!  Just jokes, I'm bored and it's a decent distraction sometimes.

So, I matched with this guy, I didn't really find him attractive, but he must have had something witty or likable in his profile.  Or maybe I just was that bored...either way, we start messaging.  He suggests we go on a date and asks for ideas.  I made a really weird list of suggestions including going to a presidential library, going to this abandoned building, and playing mad lib's.  He opts for mad lib's at a bar.

We meet at a bar of his choosing, and its kind of a dive bar, they serve cheap mystery beer, so I'm happy.  We drink and do mad lib's, it was actually kind of a cool date.  But this dude, gets really weird whenever we aren't talking and will make comments about it being an awkward silence.  It wasn't awkward until he labeled it that!  I can't just talk all the time, I do have a lot of funny stories, but sometimes I need to catch my breath.  It gets even more awkward when he asks if he can kiss me.  I say yes, because it seemed like the polite response, and to be honest, I would kiss anyone to have a break from him talking about our awkward silences.

Still, he's nice enough, so I think maybe I'm just being a dick.  He walks me to my car, we make out a bit.  I'm just going through the motions, I am not into this guy.  But, I don't go home with him, so making it out of this date with just a little street make out is kind of a new record for me.  Oh, wait, it really is.  This is the first time I've been on a date with someone and not gone home with him, way to go me!!  The secret is, date guys you don't find attractive.

We keep talking and go on a second date.  It was a cool bar that had all these old school arcade games, and you can play them all you want.  We conquer some Simpson's game he loved when he was a kid.  The date is coming to a close, and he walks me to my car again.  He asks to sit in my car and make out, I say yes.  What can I say...I think its important to keep my make out game strong even during dry spells.  So we are making out, and, generally, I like kissing a lot, but with this guy its not getting me anywhere.  I'm thinking about the whole thing methodically, like I should put a hand on him so I seem like I want to touch him, I was just being in my own head about it.  It was so boring!!  Finally, I drive him to his car.  As he is getting out he tells me, "Kelly, you are my favourite.  You are the cat's pajamas."  I am stunned.  I mime tipping a hat to him and say, "That is quite the compliment, sir."  Which, admittedly is a super weird response, but a weird compliment gets a weird response.

I stop talking to him after this.  Back to swipin'.

Blacking Out

After a night out my friend and I were waiting for an Uber taxi to come pick us up.  It was stupid late, so we ended up waiting like an hour for this cab.  While waiting, she made friends and I got an awesome idea for some braids, so I was busy braiding my hair.

I got up to go meet another friend and his girlfriend for brunch.  I was telling them the story of the previous night, and how I was just drunkenly braiding my hair in some vestibule for an hour.

This friend of mine is half black half Filipino, so he refers to himself as blackapino...I always try to convince him he phlack...we can't seem to agree on this.  It is widely known among my friends that I black out frequently, but because of the braiding that had taken place, I completely missed the meaning of his question and made it all racist.  This was the second time I met his girlfriend, luckily she could tell I'm not a racist, I'm just a drunk/hungover piece of shit, so we still get along.  And to be fair, one night a couple years ago I did black out and braided all my hair into tiny braids, you can take the term "black out" to mean whatever you want here.

Things in my Handbag

After doing a bit of traveling and having a couple of reunions with different groups of friends, I found myself in the airport waiting for my flight.  My phone was dead, but not lost, so that's a miracle in itself.  To pass the time, I took a quick inventory of the things that ended up in my handbag.

9 silver toned off brand sharpies
1 apple wrapped in plastic that my friend found in the bathroom of a bar...we refer to it as a shittapple
1 empty water bottle
1 action headband
passport
deck of cards
sunglasses with one big scratch on the lens
1 zippered pouch containing:
     -hair chalk
     -temporary tattoos
     -tweezers
     -nail clippers
     -8 hair ties
     -ipod charger
     -floss
     -personal check for $50

Tinder Date #2

After the big bang (or rather, big (non)bang) debacle with my first tinder dude, I decided it was time to start swiping again.  I made a match with a guy and we met up for pizza and beer.  I should have just walked away when he asked me if I liked the Big Bang Theory...that was red flag number one.  I was determined to have a first date without sleeping with the guy, because I think that might be the secret to actually dating rather than just having a million one night stands.  I am more about acting on my feelings, but I thought I would give this self-control thing a try.

The guy was alright, kind of a loser, a waiter, I don't have a problem with this, but I'm already a bit of a loser, and I don't think there should be two losers in a relationship.  I was pretty sure I wasn't into the guy, but, this would be a great way to try out not sleeping with a date, SCORE!!  Well, a score without scoring.

We drink a lot.  He seems funnier and more attractive after the shot he suggests we take, so we have a few more drinks.  I get up to go to the bathroom as he is coming back and my pant leg gets caught on the booth, I fall rather ungracefully out of the booth and he kind of steadies me and then kisses me.  Damn!  Why must I love making out so much!!

We go back to his place.  Shirts end up on the floor, but somehow I manage to stop the natural progression, and tell him that's as far as I want to go.  He was nice about the whole thing, agreed with me about not going any further.

We keep messaging the rest of the week and he invites me over during the weekend to watch a movie.  We make out a bit and eventually he leads me into his bedroom.  We fool around, and I end up stopping things again, I forgot that it can be kind of nice to say "no" sometimes.  He asks why, and I make stumble over my words, go quiet for longer than was necessary, and eventually make some joke about being a recovering slut.  When I told I guy friend this story later, he said maybe don't say that to dudes you don't want to sleep with.  He seems a little annoyed, but only mildly, and makes a few passive aggressive jokes about blue balls.  He also tells me way too much information about his last relationship and about them almost getting married, and as if that weren't enough of a turn off he goes on to say he's thought about committing suicide.  Talk about a downer!

We end up moving back to the couch, watch some comedy and do some shots.  I end up blowing him because I feel a little guilty for not putting out.  This is a stupid feeling, I know, but, sometimes I'm stupid.

I sleep over, and we make out a little bit more.  He starts fingering me and makes some comment about we probably wouldn't be able to have sex anyway because he is too big for me.  I'm sure I roll my eyes. This guy is starting to piss me off.  What a self-important asshole.  I remember going to the bathroom at one point and just thinking to myself, thank goodness I didn't sleep with this guy.  It's amazing how when you get past the first encounter you realize a person has no redeeming qualities.  I was so proud of myself for not sleeping with him I rewarded myself by fucking when we woke up the next day.  Just kidding, not about the fucking part, that, unfortunately, happened, but it was no reward for me...let's just say he was definitely not too big for me.  I'm sure I don't need to say, but I never heard from him again.